How to Save a Relationship

Michele Weiner Davis appears to have written this book to correct some misimpressions she left in her book, Divorce Busting (which I have not read). Here, she makes it clear that you can be your own marriage counselor, and you can succeed even if your spouse won't agree to work on the marriage. Based on her experiences as a marriage counselor, Ms. Davis feels that almost any marriage has the potential to be saved. She also points out that divorce is no bed of roses. The statistics back her up. Most people are happier, healthier, and wealthier in marriages than divorced. Children obviously do better.

Unfortunately, many friends, family, counselors, and the media encourage divorce as a way to reduce the near-term pain . . . while creating more long-term pain. Did you know that 60 percent of second marriages end in divorce? Some people don't learn is the lesson.

Only you know whether you want to save your marriage or not. This book will help you make that decision.

Ms. Davis encourages you to save your marriage unless your spouse is a chronic source of physical abuse, substance abuse, or unfaithfulness and your spouse refuses to change in any one of these areas. The end of the book has several chapters for dealing with very severe problems like infidelity ("most marriages do survive infidelity"), a depressed spouse, the classic male mid-life crisis, and having sexual passion cool to the disappearing point.

The center piece of the book is a process for going from where you are miserable, defeated, and don't know what to do to the point where you are taking action and have created a chance to mend the problem. Did you know that most people have felt miserable enough to get divorced for 6 years before they announce their intention to solve the problem or leave the marriage?

Obviously, not every marriage can be saved . . . even if one of the partners wants to do so. But these methods will help improve the odds.

Many of the concepts in the book are similar to those in Dr. Phil McGraw's excellent book, Relationship Rescue. Perhaps this book could have been called Retrieving Your Marriage after It Seems Gone.

You are encouraged to look at your marriage and relationship from a new perspective. What's going on? What do you really want? Have you told your spouse? Stop doing things that don't work or make the situation worse! Do more of what does work. Experiment. Build on positive success.

Each section is filled with case histories, including Ms. Davis's own life and experiences. Some of them are really hilarious. One couple agreed that they would change the rules about fighting. They could only do so with their clothes off. This kept them from fighting in public and in front of the children. When the husband starting taking his clothes off, the wife started laughing and soon the fight was over. Whenever another fight would begin, the memory of that episode would bring them both to laughter rather than more anger.

The key point of the book is that you have to work on yourself. Changing you will elicit an improved response from your spouse. The book is full of examples of spouses who came back to the marriage when the behavior that was driving them crazy abated or stopped.

Having been divorced, I found the book to be honest and realistic. I certainly did not know what to do to solve the problems in that marriage. Having remarried, I certainly intend to apply the lessons of The Divorce Remedy to make my marriage a better one!

I recommend this book to couples who are getting ready to marry. The section on the marriage map will be very valuable for describing what one can expect from a successful marriage. I also recommend Relationship Rescue for those whose marriages need mending, but have not yet broken down. If you are looking for a divorce lawyer, pick up, read, and apply this book!

May your marriage meet all of your goals . . . and those of your spouse! Remember to recognize what you cannot change, and be accepting where it isn't really important!

This book gives hope to those whose spouse is threatening divorce. For those who are the ones seeking divorce, please read and maybe see that divorce is not necessarily the attractive and quick solution it sometimes appears to be.

Read and reread this book, and put the principles into practice, even though at times you want to throw the book at your spouse (DON'T)!!! And even if in the end things do not work out, if you follow her suggestions, you will come out with a greater sense of well-being.

Best of luck and take care.

I originally found out about Michele's methods through her website. I have read four of her books (I think there is a new one, but I haven't read it yet). My husband left our family and moved in with the woman he was having an affair with. He has been my friend and lover since we were in college. He told me that although he loved me and the kids, he felt no passion in his life or with me.

I read Divorce Remedy in one weekend. I was completely dedicated to getting my husband back and keeping our family together. My parents divorced when I was 12 and my mom is now on her third marriage. I absolutely refused to put my children through the pain that my sister and I have been through.

Divorce Remedy is like a manual. It explains what goes wrong in marriages and why. But what I love about this book is that IT TELLS YOU WHAT TO DO. I had stopped putting our marriage first and my husband found someone else who apparently paid more attention to him.

I followed the all of the steps outlined in the book, set my goals (small at first, consistent, and measurable), kept a progress journal, and pretty much changed my entire life. I paid attention to what I did that he noticed and I did more of those kinds of behaviors. I also paid attention to the things I did that brought us back to our problem areas. As hard as it was, I stopped doing those things. I used this book like a bible.

It was hard to get him to notice the changes I was making because I didn't see him every day. But I kept going. He finally noticed and he started becoming nice to me again. He moved back in the house last fall and our relationship continues to improve each and every day. I constantly refer to Divorce Remedy whenever old habits return (his or mine). It's my secret weapon. Our family is together. I love him and now he feels passionate again about me too.

Sorry this is so long, but I tell everybody I know about Michele's books. My sister and sister in law have both read the books and are now putting their marriages back together.

If your marriage is coming apart, it's so easy to slide into pain and depression. You can do something about it. You can fix it. Read This Book!

I also think my husband may be depressed, and the chapter on trying to save your marriage when your spouse is depressed was also helpful to me. In fact, all the chapters about specific problems like infidelity and sexual problems were extremely helpful to me.

What I like about this book even more than her other one (Divorce Busting) is that it really explains clearly how to try to save your marriage when your spouse's heart isn't in it. I'm still waiting for my husband to come out of his mid life crisis, but in the meantime, this book has given me enormous hope. I recommend it highly.